My weight. It’s time to talk about it.
For those who don’t know, this year was my moment to get my self care on track and really get used to loving myself because I haven’t for awhile. However, I ignored the most important part of this journey, my outside appearance. I’m now currently at my highest weight ever, so high that I thought I would have diabetes by now. This is a wake up call before the new year, and it’s time to address these habits, tendencies, and triggers that contributed to my 40+ pounds over the past six years.
For as long as I can remember, I have never once seen myself happy with my physical appearance. Never. If you’ve been around me, I either have a long shirt or sweater, or arms covering my stomach area when I sit. Even when I was at my lowest weight, I still saw the bulky shoulders, the flabby arms, and the infamous “FUPA” (Fat Upper Pubic Area), that has since grown noticeably larger this past year.
The lowest weight I ever reached was back in high school at 160 pounds. The story behind the weight loss however is quite alarming and I advise no one to do it. During that time, I was in the 11th grade, and I lost a friendship around Christmas of that year (which took me about 3 years after to finally forgive myself for because it was honestly my fault.) Any-who, that experience caused me to go months without rarely eating anything. I mean, at least one meal a day to keep me alive. That was the first time I dealt with depression at that extreme level, and the first time that I ever had C’s and D’s in my grades before. Yeah, it was that serious. I was also exercising regularly, so that definitely helped with the weight loss, and I lost about 10-15 pounds during the school year.
I couldn’t celebrate that because my mental space was not positive, so I did not see the weight loss as an accomplishment. It was only a result of how devastated I was of losing a friend; but that experience did show me how bad of a friend I actually was, and what I needed to change in myself to treat others better.
Fast forwarding to this year, it’s been hard financially regarding job searching and figuring out what exactly I should be doing in life, that I spent two of these months in bed and did absolutely nothing. Sometimes I would eat large amounts of fast food one day, and then eat nothing the next day. I believe that is what caused me to gain the weight particularly this year, and I can clearly see the result of it.
I had to buy new clothes that were bigger, I gave away a lot of my clothes, it took me forever to find jeans that fit over my stomach, I get tired easily, and I have no motivation to work out. I don’t even recognize myself anymore to be completely honest. I’ve also started to look back at old photos and I was actually in good shape at one point about two years ago, and I thought I was huge. It’s so weird that the way I see myself is a lot different than how others see me.
I had moments this year when I just gave up and thought that I’ll probably be like those people on reality TV who reach up to 600 pounds one day. However, when I do watch those type of shows, I can see the pain the person and their family has, and I would hate that my family, especially my mother, would ever have to witness my life dissolve in that way. It’s traumatizing of even thinking about it. I’m very positive about the future overall, but my issue is not knowing where I’m going or how will I get to the place I want to be.
I’ve always had a specific goal and image in mind of what my perfect size and weight should be, so I have never been satisfied. Mentally, I always thought I was stuck on the “before” photo, even when I was a lot smaller than I thought I was, until now. I have never seen myself this huge in my life, and I never thought I would go passed 200 pounds, but it happened. My “after” picture now is basically gaining weight every year, and it has to stop. My new year’s resolution has always been to lose weight, but I will not start 2018 that way because it clearly isn’t working out. Starting now and going into the new year, I hope to be kinder to my body; to set a positive mind state on my appearance and to not press so much pressure on myself. I also want to cook more when I don’t feel like it, and to ignore my unnecessary cravings for M&M cookies and Cheesecake Factory pastas.
Manifesting a positive mind and an uplifting spirit for my health is truly the only way I can get this body to change, because mental health is the most important part of this journey. This year, my best friends motivated me by taking me to the gym, my mother motivated me to walk everyday, and my brother constantly reminded me to watch the foods I eat, but mentally I was setting myself up to fail by convincing myself that none of those things would help me. People could help me start all they want, but my mentality would not allow me to finish. That level of thinking is what I hope to erase for the new year. I will be diagnosed with diabetes and heart disease in a few years if I don’t make a change. I can’t let that happen.
If you have been going through a tough time with your weight as well, you’re not alone. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not in this battle on my own. It’s not easy and it shouldn’t be easy, but that is what make the results so much more rewarding. The first step is kindness. Don’t think about the overwhelming steps of signing up for the gym, buying every healthy food in the supermarket, and drowning yourself with salad. The way you see your body mentally is the foundation. I believe that it will lead you to a smooth transition into the good journey of the new year, and I pray to God that it’ll help with mine.
If you have any encouraging words, I would love it if you could share them to me and anyone else who needs them.
#BeKindToMyBody for 2018.